She is Inside of me

She is inside of me,
Frustrated, annoyed, angry.
She is in front of you,
Calm, composed and happy.

She is inside of me,
Crying, screaming, upset.
She is in front of you,
Dancing, prancing,laughing.

She is inside of me,
Waiting, waiting to be released.
She is in front of you,
As normal as she can be.

She is inside of me,
Dying to show herself.
She is in front of you,
Being a fake someone else.

She is inside of me,
Scarring under the pressure.
She is in front of you,
Calmly taking it all in.

She is inside of me,
Dying bit by bit everyday,
(There she is fading away.)
She is in front of you,
Alive as she can be.

She is inside of me,
But not anymore, she has been suppressed way too far.
She is in front of you, you know her,
Yet she is left wondering, if she knows herself.

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Fear, Departure, Insecure, Friends…..

People say that once in a while, a change is good. Well, after staying in one place for the last 12 years of my life, and spending most of my childhood in the same place and making my own small world here,I beg to differ. However, here I am, about to go through one of the hardest changes in my life, leaving behind everything this place has given me and taking with me only memories, and hopefully leaving some behind. When I look at a scene of a train station, it always gives me the goose-bumps of someone’s sad farewell, like someone is leaving everything they ever had, behind. Leaving behind friends, the small small details of the place that you knew at the back of your hand, leaving behind every story that you built in the last few years of your life. As far as the topic of friends is concerned, everyone would say, “What’s there in that, technology has evolved so much, can’t we keep in touch?” But I am sure, most of us would agree that there is a huge difference between reading someone’s mail, or even listening to their voice and actually having physical meeting. Seeing their faces and knowing that they are going to be there for you, like the walls of your house, that you don’t need to check on becauase you know, they are there around, always.
Then again, maybe the change that takes place will happen for the better because as one of the characters from my favourute TV shows says, “You must give up the life you have planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” So maybe something will good will come out of the change and if nothing else, at least I’ll know how much these friends who I have had here mean to me.

But then again with all this said, the fear of losing touch, the fearing of never meeting again, such questions always arise in my mind, and then again, I look at their faces and remember all the memories spent and feel that maybe they’ll never leave me behind no matter how much the distance and making friends as amazing as them again, would be impossible.

Can You Ever Trust Anyone?

I was just reading a Harry Potter book again, ‘The Prisoner of Azkaban’. I came to the part where it says how Sirius Black betrayed Harry’s Mom and Dad (Though he actually didn’t). This part got me thinking, is there anyone we can fully trust? Is there anyone, who we can tell everything to, absolutely everything and feel that the person won’t judge us? In fact, even for me, even though I have so many people whom I tell things to, there is only one person whom I can tell EVERYTHING to without the fear of anything, and that is Akhila. Even though I know I can tell Dada everything, there is this one thing that I haven’t told him yet, and not because he will judge me, but because I can’t imagine how he will react. I am scared, what if he gets angry? Or maybe gets upset? I wouldn’t want to put any kind of strain in anyway to the relation we share. I mean the relation I share with him, it means everything to me and if anything happens to that relation, I’ll break.

It’s not like we hide things from people always because we fear being judged. Sometimes, we fear that we will but a spot in our relation with the person, sometimes we fear hurting the person, and when we love someone, we all know how hard it is to hurt that person, and how hard it is see your once upon a time happy relation, breaking in front of you.

So, i just want to thank God, for sending in my life, a person whom I can tell everything to, no matter what. Thank you Akhila for coming into my life.
This may not be the best blog I have posted but it is definitely one with a very deep meaning, even if not to any one else, but to me, because, I know, the pain of trust being shattered, I know the pain of picking the pieces up and joining it again, and I know that anyone who has gone through the same feelings and now is reading this, will know, even though this is not the best write up they have ever read, they will know the depth of it.

Losing

I watch all of you talking to different people and laughing. I am just sitting alone, watching all of you. I am happy that all of you are smiling, because for me, there is no greater happiness, than to see my friends happy. But somewhere deep inside, I am scared. Why I feel scared is beyond my understanding. I am just insecure that you all will leave me behind, all alone like I have been left before. I am scared, you all will back-stab me just like I have been back-stabbed before. Please don’t get me wrong, I trust all of you a lot, but it is the experience with the friends I have had so far, or should I say with the ‘friends’, I’ve had so far, that scares me, leaves me insecure. I always try to assure myself that you people, you can never do this to me, but somewhere deep down this fragile heart of mine, I am still scared. Because I know that if this time anything happens to my friendship, or if any one of you hurt me, I will be heart-broken, and this time, I will not have the strength to pick those pieces up and join them back together. I will need a second person to come and do so for me, but maybe, even if a second person does arrive, I wonder if I will be able to trust him again? Really, don’t get me wrong okay, I know all of you love and care for me a lot but you all know, that I am a very sensitive person, no matter how strong I show on the outside. You all know that even of I am smiling outside, I might be dying inside but I’ll never show till you people push me to tell. Please, if you all read this, don’t get angry because you feel I don’t trust you. I trust you a lot, but these are just my insecurities, and maybe, time will heal all the wounds in the heart and then the insecurities will also disappear themselves. I just hope.