And She’ll Dance Again

Unsteady feet, she is trying to get back up. She holds her hands out for support but there is no one around. Her breathing has paced up, her chest heaving in and out… Trying to gather all the strength she has and pull herself up again. There is a piercing pain shooting through her legs and the wound of betrayal is still fresh in her head. She was dancing, just a minute ago, a partner next to her, with grace and poise, but now she is on the floor. She was pushed and left to bleed. Blankets of darkness and silence surround her. She is hoping someone is going to pull her up, turn on the lights and play the music again. Bandage her wounds and help remove all old scars. She sits still… Hoping, praying, wondering when this will end, when the dance floor will be lit again, and laughter will ring out again. She is waiting… Her view is so blurred by tears, that what she doesn’t realise is that people are holding out their hands towards her. Waiting to pull her up again, waiting to help her dance again, waiting to dance with her again… Even if she notices them, she is scared, scared she’ll be pushed again, wounded again, left alone again. This is not new to her, this has happened before… They say it’s a part of life, but she is tired of it. It has drained her, left her exhausted… But… she misses her body swaying to the beats and her mind singing along with the music. She hates being on the floor, cold and alone… hates being surrounded by darkness and silence. So she’ll slowly pull herself, stronger than before, stronger than she was before she hit the ground… and she’ll move towards the lights and turn them on herself, and move towards the sound box and turn the volume up and it’ll hurt her feet to start over and she’ll be scared to fall again, but she’ll do it over, start it over… She’ll let go of all old wounds but remember the lessons they taught, and she learn to hold hands again and dance with people next to her… Pushing away the fear that they’ll push her down and leave her to bleed again… And this time, with every bit if strength she has, with every bit of hope she has, she sway to beats and her mind will sing along the words and she’ll go to the middle of her dance floor, where her heart belongs, and she’ll do what she loves, she won’t hold back… She’ll let herself go and she’ll dance again…

Building Walls

Here is a poem I came up with recently, I have tried to complete it, but can’t see to go any further. So, I thought I’d post it till how  much I have completed and maybe you all can help me go on? So here goes:

The pains I go through, how I feel,
you can only guess.
The tears I hide, The fears I hide,
And my life’s what sort of a mess.
And I may cry inside and die inside,
But my walls won’t let you see.
I’m building walls, I’m building walls,
To stop you from seeing the real me.

I may laugh with you, I may giggle with you,
But people who know me are few.
I may smile at you, I may prance with you,
But for  me faking is nothing new.
And I may cry inside, and die inside,
But my walls won’t let you see.
I’m building walls, I’m building walls,
To stop you from seeing the real me.

My eyes burn eyes burn with the force to be strong,
I’m taunted,cursed and told I am always wrong.
People who love me suddenly turn cold,
Behind close doors such people never let my tears grow old.
And yet, I may cry inside and die inside,
But my walls won’t let you see.
I’m building walls, I’m building walls,
To stop you from seeing the real me.

Unlucky.. Really???

Unlucky.. Really???

Yesterday was the Friday the 13th. Well, I didn’t really know till this morning I saw a post on my reader. I though for a while, had my day been unlucky? Bad? In fact had anything gone wrong?? In fact my day went just perfect. I wonder where have all these superstitions come from. I mean stuff like, if a black cat crosses your path, it will be bad luck. I mean the poor cat is just crossing the bloody road. You don’t own the road do you?? The cat can walk wherever it likes, you don’t have any right on it. Then my Mom believes that if you see a lone Mayna, it’s bad luck. Really? Have we ever wondered how we would feel if we were called bad luck for just crossing someone’s path?? I mean all we do us cross the path and Tadaa!! we are bad luck. In fact, maybe black cats should call us bad luck right? Because whenever it crosses our path, it gets accused for something it hasn’t done, so we become bad luck to it right?
Life is full of ups and downs. The ups in our life come through our hard work and the downs in our life come either because we do something, or some fool is telling us something that is affecting us adversely. The best way to ease the pain of the downs is by admitting the mistake if it is ours and by ignoring words about us that we know are lies.
Smile and live life to the fullest cause the wrinkle above your eye-brows that form when you are tensed, upset or worried, snatch the beauty that God has given you, from your face 🙂

Am I that Bad?

When I was a girl of 3 years, I joined ISM and started schooling there from KG-1. Well, I was one of the youngest girl in my class since I was studying one class higher than I was supposed to but I guess I adjusted quite okay. I can’t really remember how my KG- 1 and KG-2 went but I remember that ever since I was in first grade, my schooling became a nightmare. The word ‘school’ sent shivers down my back, probably it was like being sent to Azkaban or maybe to those Gas Chambers that Hitler used to send the Jews to. But obviously one can’t bunk school everyday, can they? So I went to school and spent three and the half years friendless and then towards the middle of fourth grade, I became friends with this boy, who we shall name ‘A’. well, since he was my first friend, we got close and then I felt I ‘fell for him’. Well obviously, it was only a childhood infatuation and I got over it and all but I was a fool, I told him how I felt and ever since I went to fifth grade and our classes got shuffled, he has never spoken to me again. I was heart-broken and hurt for ages, but in fifth I met two girls who we’ll name ‘Ar’ and ‘Ad’, well, they made me realize that he was not worth my friendship and not worth crying over so I pushed myself and got over it.  But at the end of fifth grade they both back-stabbed me and once again I was left lonely. When I went to sixth grade, it was another new class with fresh faces, and as I stood staring at the class, I was scared and nervous about whom to choose as friends because I knew, the friend I would choose in this class, would be with me for the next three years. I chose two girls as my friends because I knew them, some what vaguely from before, but once again at the end of sixth, I was back-stabbed. Well, as school school went on and I promoted with this class from sixth to seventh and seventh to eighth with the same classmates, the class became united and one happy class, with small enmities here and there which can be ignored. But maybe experience hadn’t taught me anything or maybe it is just my values that made me to this, but I gave the two girls who had back-stabbed me the previous year (In sixth) another chance, and this time, they insulted me, making me cry and break down. In the middle of seventh I finally got close to Neha and she became a very good friend after that. I finally and properly got over ‘A’ and gave still another chance to the two girls which in eighth they yet again took and threw away by insulting me in eighth, but this time I didn’t mind that much because I had Neha in my life for support and my class, was like a family and they gave me immense support through everything and so all was going well, except that those to two girls and another boy ‘W’, were ignoring me. Then I came to ninth, my class became shuffled again but my old classmates were still a close family and we always met. But here I am in ninth, once again in square one. I am staring out of the window, and thinking about this other guy who was my last year’s classmate, and we were good friends and he is now ignoring me. I tried talking to him and all he said was, “I don’t feel like talking to you.” This makes me realize even in India there are two girls I know ‘K’ and ‘S’ who don’t like me either, they talk bad about me behind my back, but I know it.
Every year, I find someone or the other,, who doesn’t like me, and ignores me. All of them can’t be stupid right? As I stand and watch all these people with turned backs (Other that ‘W’ who I am talking to again properly), and I really so bad? So bad, that every year there is someone or the other, who finds a reason to ignore me or best, for no reason at all?

Can You Ever Trust Anyone?

I was just reading a Harry Potter book again, ‘The Prisoner of Azkaban’. I came to the part where it says how Sirius Black betrayed Harry’s Mom and Dad (Though he actually didn’t). This part got me thinking, is there anyone we can fully trust? Is there anyone, who we can tell everything to, absolutely everything and feel that the person won’t judge us? In fact, even for me, even though I have so many people whom I tell things to, there is only one person whom I can tell EVERYTHING to without the fear of anything, and that is Akhila. Even though I know I can tell Dada everything, there is this one thing that I haven’t told him yet, and not because he will judge me, but because I can’t imagine how he will react. I am scared, what if he gets angry? Or maybe gets upset? I wouldn’t want to put any kind of strain in anyway to the relation we share. I mean the relation I share with him, it means everything to me and if anything happens to that relation, I’ll break.

It’s not like we hide things from people always because we fear being judged. Sometimes, we fear that we will but a spot in our relation with the person, sometimes we fear hurting the person, and when we love someone, we all know how hard it is to hurt that person, and how hard it is see your once upon a time happy relation, breaking in front of you.

So, i just want to thank God, for sending in my life, a person whom I can tell everything to, no matter what. Thank you Akhila for coming into my life.
This may not be the best blog I have posted but it is definitely one with a very deep meaning, even if not to any one else, but to me, because, I know, the pain of trust being shattered, I know the pain of picking the pieces up and joining it again, and I know that anyone who has gone through the same feelings and now is reading this, will know, even though this is not the best write up they have ever read, they will know the depth of it.

Losing

I watch all of you talking to different people and laughing. I am just sitting alone, watching all of you. I am happy that all of you are smiling, because for me, there is no greater happiness, than to see my friends happy. But somewhere deep inside, I am scared. Why I feel scared is beyond my understanding. I am just insecure that you all will leave me behind, all alone like I have been left before. I am scared, you all will back-stab me just like I have been back-stabbed before. Please don’t get me wrong, I trust all of you a lot, but it is the experience with the friends I have had so far, or should I say with the ‘friends’, I’ve had so far, that scares me, leaves me insecure. I always try to assure myself that you people, you can never do this to me, but somewhere deep down this fragile heart of mine, I am still scared. Because I know that if this time anything happens to my friendship, or if any one of you hurt me, I will be heart-broken, and this time, I will not have the strength to pick those pieces up and join them back together. I will need a second person to come and do so for me, but maybe, even if a second person does arrive, I wonder if I will be able to trust him again? Really, don’t get me wrong okay, I know all of you love and care for me a lot but you all know, that I am a very sensitive person, no matter how strong I show on the outside. You all know that even of I am smiling outside, I might be dying inside but I’ll never show till you people push me to tell. Please, if you all read this, don’t get angry because you feel I don’t trust you. I trust you a lot, but these are just my insecurities, and maybe, time will heal all the wounds in the heart and then the insecurities will also disappear themselves. I just hope.