Unsteady feet, she is trying to get back up. She holds her hands out for support but there is no one around. Her breathing has paced up, her chest heaving in and out… Trying to gather all the strength she has and pull herself up again. There is a piercing pain shooting through her legs and the wound of betrayal is still fresh in her head. She was dancing, just a minute ago, a partner next to her, with grace and poise, but now she is on the floor. She was pushed and left to bleed. Blankets of darkness and silence surround her. She is hoping someone is going to pull her up, turn on the lights and play the music again. Bandage her wounds and help remove all old scars. She sits still… Hoping, praying, wondering when this will end, when the dance floor will be lit again, and laughter will ring out again. She is waiting… Her view is so blurred by tears, that what she doesn’t realise is that people are holding out their hands towards her. Waiting to pull her up again, waiting to help her dance again, waiting to dance with her again… Even if she notices them, she is scared, scared she’ll be pushed again, wounded again, left alone again. This is not new to her, this has happened before… They say it’s a part of life, but she is tired of it. It has drained her, left her exhausted… But… she misses her body swaying to the beats and her mind singing along with the music. She hates being on the floor, cold and alone… hates being surrounded by darkness and silence. So she’ll slowly pull herself, stronger than before, stronger than she was before she hit the ground… and she’ll move towards the lights and turn them on herself, and move towards the sound box and turn the volume up and it’ll hurt her feet to start over and she’ll be scared to fall again, but she’ll do it over, start it over… She’ll let go of all old wounds but remember the lessons they taught, and she learn to hold hands again and dance with people next to her… Pushing away the fear that they’ll push her down and leave her to bleed again… And this time, with every bit if strength she has, with every bit of hope she has, she sway to beats and her mind will sing along the words and she’ll go to the middle of her dance floor, where her heart belongs, and she’ll do what she loves, she won’t hold back… She’ll let herself go and she’ll dance again…
So it’s been ages since I last wrote. I had exams and then I was going through this phase where I became really demotivated and that just continued so I never really wrote. I was down in the dumps day in and day out and was literally forcing myself to do stuff. And then suddenly one day, I just felt like maybe, all my feeling and thoughts, I am not venting them out. Not sharing them, not telling them. My insecurities, my fears, my joys, my excitements, maybe I needed to tell it all out. And that was that. I decided that, “WordPress, here I come!”
I am really excited to be back and write again. I don’t know how much all my followers missed me but I do know that I missed this awesome platform a lot! I missed the feeling of coming home and then writing out my feelings on WordPress. I missed people commenting and telling me weather they agreed with me or not, missed people encouraging me and telling me everything will be fine. Missed reading the feelings and thoughts and experiences of others. I feel WordPress is this whole package that just keeps me going everyday, giving me a way to vent out all those feelings that I keep with myself.
So today, 31st May 2014, I welcome myself back to WordPress. And I must say, I am glad to be back 😀
It seems just yesterday, when I was sitting in front of the computer, shedding tears, bidding my friend, IPKKND, goodbye. And now, here I am, celebrating, one year since this on screen couple, got married on screen. It seems so hard to imagine that one year has already passed since that wedding, where I screamed and jumped with joy with my friends, glad that this fictitious couple had finally got married. And in the next two months, it’ll be one year since IPKKND got over. The whole year seems to have passed within a blink of the eye. It is not like haven’t done anything all year, I have done lots, yet it seems to be so fast. In fact, now that I think about it, it seems like just a few days ago I entered ninth and here I am now, writing my half yearly exams. This makes me think, in all the rush of life, we forget to do little things that make someone smile. We forget to tell a person we love, just how important they are, we forget to wish a friend Happy Birthday, we forget to give a shoulder to cry to that person who needs consolation. Why? Because we are too busy with ourselves. We always think, it’s her birthday, I’ll wish her later. She was upset today, maybe I should check on her, but I’ll do it later. Maybe I should tell my mom how important she is to me, but she already knows that, so I’ll tell her some other time.
Unfortunately, the ‘later’ and ‘some other time’ never come and as we watch time pass, before long we know that the day’s over and we never wished happy birthday though she was waiting for your call, we never told our mom that she makes the best food in the world even though she made it specially for us with love, and we never called to know why our friend was upset even though she desperately needed you. We are just so full of ourselves and our lives and our needs that we forget that even others exist in the world who do things for us and deserve to be thanked. If water falls in the class, we call an uncle to clean it, but we never bother to tell him thank you. When you need something, your dad is the first person who you turn to but we never tell him thank you. Wake up people! The world has more to it than just us. Thank the people who deserve to be thanked, hug the people who need it. Thank you, sorry, a hug or a smile take a few seconds to do, it won’t take away our time. You probably feel that a small hug, won’t make a difference, but we don’t know just how much of a difference it does make. So go and hug the person nearest to you and tell him just how important he is. Go call a friend who was looking upset today, just to find out if she is fine. Go thank a person who has done you a favour just to let then know how helpful they have been. Give the people what they deserve. Make the later today. Make the later now. Make the later this moment.
When I was a girl of 3 years, I joined ISM and started schooling there from KG-1. Well, I was one of the youngest girl in my class since I was studying one class higher than I was supposed to but I guess I adjusted quite okay. I can’t really remember how my KG- 1 and KG-2 went but I remember that ever since I was in first grade, my schooling became a nightmare. The word ‘school’ sent shivers down my back, probably it was like being sent to Azkaban or maybe to those Gas Chambers that Hitler used to send the Jews to. But obviously one can’t bunk school everyday, can they? So I went to school and spent three and the half years friendless and then towards the middle of fourth grade, I became friends with this boy, who we shall name ‘A’. well, since he was my first friend, we got close and then I felt I ‘fell for him’. Well obviously, it was only a childhood infatuation and I got over it and all but I was a fool, I told him how I felt and ever since I went to fifth grade and our classes got shuffled, he has never spoken to me again. I was heart-broken and hurt for ages, but in fifth I met two girls who we’ll name ‘Ar’ and ‘Ad’, well, they made me realize that he was not worth my friendship and not worth crying over so I pushed myself and got over it. But at the end of fifth grade they both back-stabbed me and once again I was left lonely. When I went to sixth grade, it was another new class with fresh faces, and as I stood staring at the class, I was scared and nervous about whom to choose as friends because I knew, the friend I would choose in this class, would be with me for the next three years. I chose two girls as my friends because I knew them, some what vaguely from before, but once again at the end of sixth, I was back-stabbed. Well, as school school went on and I promoted with this class from sixth to seventh and seventh to eighth with the same classmates, the class became united and one happy class, with small enmities here and there which can be ignored. But maybe experience hadn’t taught me anything or maybe it is just my values that made me to this, but I gave the two girls who had back-stabbed me the previous year (In sixth) another chance, and this time, they insulted me, making me cry and break down. In the middle of seventh I finally got close to Neha and she became a very good friend after that. I finally and properly got over ‘A’ and gave still another chance to the two girls which in eighth they yet again took and threw away by insulting me in eighth, but this time I didn’t mind that much because I had Neha in my life for support and my class, was like a family and they gave me immense support through everything and so all was going well, except that those to two girls and another boy ‘W’, were ignoring me. Then I came to ninth, my class became shuffled again but my old classmates were still a close family and we always met. But here I am in ninth, once again in square one. I am staring out of the window, and thinking about this other guy who was my last year’s classmate, and we were good friends and he is now ignoring me. I tried talking to him and all he said was, “I don’t feel like talking to you.” This makes me realize even in India there are two girls I know ‘K’ and ‘S’ who don’t like me either, they talk bad about me behind my back, but I know it.
Every year, I find someone or the other,, who doesn’t like me, and ignores me. All of them can’t be stupid right? As I stand and watch all these people with turned backs (Other that ‘W’ who I am talking to again properly), and I really so bad? So bad, that every year there is someone or the other, who finds a reason to ignore me or best, for no reason at all?
I was just reading a Harry Potter book again, ‘The Prisoner of Azkaban’. I came to the part where it says how Sirius Black betrayed Harry’s Mom and Dad (Though he actually didn’t). This part got me thinking, is there anyone we can fully trust? Is there anyone, who we can tell everything to, absolutely everything and feel that the person won’t judge us? In fact, even for me, even though I have so many people whom I tell things to, there is only one person whom I can tell EVERYTHING to without the fear of anything, and that is Akhila. Even though I know I can tell Dada everything, there is this one thing that I haven’t told him yet, and not because he will judge me, but because I can’t imagine how he will react. I am scared, what if he gets angry? Or maybe gets upset? I wouldn’t want to put any kind of strain in anyway to the relation we share. I mean the relation I share with him, it means everything to me and if anything happens to that relation, I’ll break.
It’s not like we hide things from people always because we fear being judged. Sometimes, we fear that we will but a spot in our relation with the person, sometimes we fear hurting the person, and when we love someone, we all know how hard it is to hurt that person, and how hard it is see your once upon a time happy relation, breaking in front of you.
So, i just want to thank God, for sending in my life, a person whom I can tell everything to, no matter what. Thank you Akhila for coming into my life.
This may not be the best blog I have posted but it is definitely one with a very deep meaning, even if not to any one else, but to me, because, I know, the pain of trust being shattered, I know the pain of picking the pieces up and joining it again, and I know that anyone who has gone through the same feelings and now is reading this, will know, even though this is not the best write up they have ever read, they will know the depth of it.
I look impatiently at the clock. It is definitely ticking slower than usual. Ten minutes ago it showed 8:25 pm and now ten minutes later the time hasn’t changed. Or maybe ten minutes haven’t really passed but it just seems that way to me. It is really awkward but when you want time to pass, it never does. I guess they are not wrong when they say ‘a watched pot never boils.’ I have been waiting for the last two hours for 8:30 to come but the time has been stuck at 8:25 only. I hold my book tightly and force my eyes to move away from the clock, to my History book. I read two pages, and then somewhat involuntarily my eyes move towards the clock again. It reads 8:29 this time. One minute of not studying, cannot do that much harm, I think. I debate with myself if I should go one minute early or not. By the time the debate is over and the conclusion has been made it is already 8:31. I push my books aside and then run towards my computer chair. I turn on the computer and open YouTube to watch the thing that I have been waiting to watch since ages. I know Visalakshi and Neha have finished watching it two hours ago. I guess that is the advantage of having a T.V at home, you can watch serials on time.
Oh! By the way I forgot to introduce myself. I am Chamkeeli. Visalakshi and Neha are two of my closet friends. They both have a T.V at home, and have finished watching our favorite serial, Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon, fondly called IPKKND. The serial is like a friend to all of us, to keep us happy and cheerful.
Anyway, my serial has loaded and I start watching. A plethora of emotions come flooding out as I watch the serial. I abuse Arnav for hurting Khushi. Console Khushi to make her smile. Laugh at Mami’s craziness and smile at Arnav and Khushi’s romance. Soon the serial is over. I can’t believe the twenty minutes have passed so fast. The episode was as usual, amazing. I close the computer and rush towards my phone, it is time to call Visalakshi and discuss the episode. Visalakshi and I debate over the episode and discuss what can possibly be the future story. Soon my mother is calling for dinner. Throughout dinner my eyes stray to the clock. I’m only at the table physically, mentally I am somewhere far away, wondering how long is left to watch the next episode. It is 9:00 pm, there are twenty three and a half hours left. I sigh and finish my dinner, it is 9:30 now, twenty three hours more. By the time I am ready for sleeping, it is ten and there twenty two and a half hours left now. I settle comfortably on my bed, close my eyes and go off into a peaceful slumber.
Clearly form the above situation, you can understand that I am desperate to watch my serial. Naturally if a serial is like a best friend to you, you would want to watch it right? Everyone in my house, that is my Mom and Dad, know very well that at the dinner table my mood is decided by what happens in my serial and if that particular day’s episode was good or not. When the episode goes well, my mood is hyper, but when it does not, I just sit depressed and don’t talk to anyone, and no one even tries to make me talk because they know I won’t.
When you enter class after a two day weekend, you ask your friend, “How was your weekend?” or “What did you do?” But not for me and my friends, coming to school after means, “What do you think will happen next?”
In fact, every word that the teacher tells, makes us remember something related to IPKKND. Every second word that our teacher tells gets a silly smile on our face.
My Friends and I: (Smile)
Teacher: Wire Gauge….
My friends and I: (Smile)
It has been nearly 10 months since IPKKND has ended but the magic of IPKKND is still alive like a blazing fire in our hearts. Even today when I sit to study at 6:30 pm, I look at the watch and wait, when I can go on YouTube and watch old IPKKND scenes and re-live all those old memories. Even today I wait for the clock to tick and I keep asking, “Is it time yet?”