Muddled Thoughts

Another poem by random inspiration, I see have been really inspired lately, making up for all the time I have not been writing I guess 😛

A void of thoughts running through your mind,
A suffocation in your breath.
A burning feeling up your throat,
With a throbbing in your head.

Cold sweat running down your face,
With a thick sheet of tension around.
Vision that has been blurred by tears,
And something unsteady about you steps.

Caught in a maze with no exit,
Caught in a spider’s sticky web.
Caught in the trap of your own mind,
And lips with no words to say.

The harder you try to escape from it,
The faster it seems to hold on.
And though everything on the surface seems clear,
There is a muddle of thoughts in your head.

Am I that Bad?

When I was a girl of 3 years, I joined ISM and started schooling there from KG-1. Well, I was one of the youngest girl in my class since I was studying one class higher than I was supposed to but I guess I adjusted quite okay. I can’t really remember how my KG- 1 and KG-2 went but I remember that ever since I was in first grade, my schooling became a nightmare. The word ‘school’ sent shivers down my back, probably it was like being sent to Azkaban or maybe to those Gas Chambers that Hitler used to send the Jews to. But obviously one can’t bunk school everyday, can they? So I went to school and spent three and the half years friendless and then towards the middle of fourth grade, I became friends with this boy, who we shall name ‘A’. well, since he was my first friend, we got close and then I felt I ‘fell for him’. Well obviously, it was only a childhood infatuation and I got over it and all but I was a fool, I told him how I felt and ever since I went to fifth grade and our classes got shuffled, he has never spoken to me again. I was heart-broken and hurt for ages, but in fifth I met two girls who we’ll name ‘Ar’ and ‘Ad’, well, they made me realize that he was not worth my friendship and not worth crying over so I pushed myself and got over it.  But at the end of fifth grade they both back-stabbed me and once again I was left lonely. When I went to sixth grade, it was another new class with fresh faces, and as I stood staring at the class, I was scared and nervous about whom to choose as friends because I knew, the friend I would choose in this class, would be with me for the next three years. I chose two girls as my friends because I knew them, some what vaguely from before, but once again at the end of sixth, I was back-stabbed. Well, as school school went on and I promoted with this class from sixth to seventh and seventh to eighth with the same classmates, the class became united and one happy class, with small enmities here and there which can be ignored. But maybe experience hadn’t taught me anything or maybe it is just my values that made me to this, but I gave the two girls who had back-stabbed me the previous year (In sixth) another chance, and this time, they insulted me, making me cry and break down. In the middle of seventh I finally got close to Neha and she became a very good friend after that. I finally and properly got over ‘A’ and gave still another chance to the two girls which in eighth they yet again took and threw away by insulting me in eighth, but this time I didn’t mind that much because I had Neha in my life for support and my class, was like a family and they gave me immense support through everything and so all was going well, except that those to two girls and another boy ‘W’, were ignoring me. Then I came to ninth, my class became shuffled again but my old classmates were still a close family and we always met. But here I am in ninth, once again in square one. I am staring out of the window, and thinking about this other guy who was my last year’s classmate, and we were good friends and he is now ignoring me. I tried talking to him and all he said was, “I don’t feel like talking to you.” This makes me realize even in India there are two girls I know ‘K’ and ‘S’ who don’t like me either, they talk bad about me behind my back, but I know it.
Every year, I find someone or the other,, who doesn’t like me, and ignores me. All of them can’t be stupid right? As I stand and watch all these people with turned backs (Other that ‘W’ who I am talking to again properly), and I really so bad? So bad, that every year there is someone or the other, who finds a reason to ignore me or best, for no reason at all?

Laughing and Crying at the Same Time…

Yesterday night has been a weird one. Yesterday, I started reading the book ‘The Perks Of Being a Wallflower’ by Stephen Chbosky. It is a really nice book and I enjoyed it a lot. However, at night, at around twelve, when my sister was chatting with her friend, I reached the end of the book and I started to cry. It was not awkward because I started to cry, it was just weird because the book has a happy ending and I cried because everything was just so happy. I mean, I wouldn’t say that the language of the book is really amazing and it holds amazing literature value or something but the way it is written is so beautiful that it really touches your heart.
I just sat there, hugging my knees smiling and crying at the same time. Happy at the happy ending and crying… even I don’t know why. My sister sat next to me and tried to console me but even that didn’t work and then after a while I started thinking about the last time I had cried this hard. So hard the my eyes were red. It was at that point that I remembered that the last time I had cried this hard, I was in a similar situation. I had been crying as well as smiling at the same time. It was when my best friend, IPKKND, ended. The whole day of 30th November 2012, I tried to ignore that fact that, that day would be the last episode I’d see, however, at night, when I finally sat to watch the final episode, it struck me, like a hammer on my head, that, this would be the last episode of my best friend. And I cried really hard, so hard that my eyes were red. But during the episode, there were few such moments that were very touching, in a happy way that I was smiling, rather laughing and crying at the same time. Something I didn’t think was possible.

It is a very weird situation to be in, to be happy and sad at the same time, but sometimes, things just touch your heart in such a way that all types of emotions come tumbling out, and when we get confused about what to do, we just cry, cry it all it all out.

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I Want to Cry, Though I Have No Clue Why

Over the last two weeks I have been feeling quite irritated. I mean I just want to hug someone and cry, and keep crying till my tears run dry. All of you must be thinking that if I want to cry then i should just cry it out right? Then why haven’t I done so yet. The problem is I am not getting the person whom I want to hug. I mean, I don’t know whom I want to hug and cry. i just know that I want hug and cry in a such a person’s arms where I’ll feel secure and feel that everything will be okay. But I really don’t know why I have to look for that person because there are so many people around me who love me and understand me and make me feel wanted, loved, secure and everything other nice feeling. There is my sister, my mother, my father, my friend who I talk to over the phone, my friend who mails me everyday. But none of them seem the right person. I have even tried hugging the walls and crying, hugging the curtains and crying and even sitting on the bed and hugged my legs and crying but none of them work. The most irritating part is that, I have no clue why I want to cry. I just want to cry hard. And it it’s not like I want to cry all the time, Just suddenly i feel like, okay, now I want to cry, but why? i don’t know. I am just sitting here, crossing my fingers and hoping that either I get the person whom I want to cry to or this feeling just goes, because this felling is getting me down, down and down.